Tim has explained our lives now and our journey with Theo after losing Noah as a place where Joy and Grief walk hand in hand. Somedays there's more Joy, somedays there's more Grief, and somedays they collide in a full speed, head on collision!

Today has been the latter.

We have just a bit over 7 weeks until Theo makes his grand debut into this messy beautiful world.
His nursery is almost finished, we're just working on the finishing touches and we're now moving onto the things we need such as clothes, diapers, bathing things, etc. We have a lot of Noah's clothes that will be passed onto Theo but they've been sitting in the nursery closet since the day Noah passed away so we weren't sure of what we had and what we needed.

The day Noah passed away my parents drove down and while Tim and his mom went out to plan the funeral, my parents and myself packed up all of Noah's things, put them in the nursery closet and shut the door... It was too hard to see them, knowing Noah would never be coming home to use them. Occasionally we'd find a little sock or mitten that had been lost in the wash and we'd immediately bring them up to that closet and shut the door again.
Somedays I'd open the door to the nursery and look in as the sun beamed through the big window and wonder what would have been but it was to hard to leave that door open.
So there, in the closet of the sunny little nursery, Noah's things have sat.
We didn't know if we'd ever pull them out again and until Theo we tried not to let them cross our minds.
But now as we prepare for Theo's arrival the time has come to see what will be passed onto him from his amazing big brother Noah, and to see what we still need to get him that will be all his own.

I pulled everything out of the closet today and the hardest part, besides finding Noah's NICU Bunny was the clothes. I was doing ok for a little while, going through all of the unworn newborn clothes. The clothes that were purchased in the hopes that our beautiful Noah would someday be coming home; But instead, the clothes that Noah's baby brother Theo will wear...

I slowly took each item out of the bag and laid it carefully on the carpet trying to keep my composure but feeling it slipping with each little onesie... and then Anni got up from where she was laying beside me and laid down on Noah, now Theo's clothes... and I lost it!




Does she know? Does she feel it too? The Grief of losing Noah colliding with the Joy of meeting Theo, as Tim says, "They walk hand in hand"

Tim and I debated for a very long time about how and when to make this announcement, we came close a couple times but when the time came we just weren't ready.

At times we've wanted to just keep it private, close, and quiet forever.
But this isn't something we can keep quiet forever, we've slowly started telling those close to us and those we knew would keep this a secret and pray with us through this new part of our lives...

This secret has been a long time in the making, 7 months to be exact, and we've decided it's time to let it out into the light for all to see. So...




We're expecting again!
Actually, we only have about 11 weeks left!!
We're ecstatic and beyond ready! And even though it's been exciting and joyful it's also been really hard and emotionally rough. We've always tried to be honest with our feelings and will continue to be throughout this new journey in our lives!

This pregnancy has been practically perfect (besides the heartburn, if the old wives tale is true we may actually be having a hairy little monkey), barely any morning sickness and no complications. But it's also been really hard being pregnant again after losing Noah.
The innocence of pregnancy is forever gone for us and I think for me personally it wasn't real until after we had the anatomy scan to make sure this baby was developing perfectly.
Honestly, a part of me didn't want to become attached only to have another baby taken away.
Another reason we waited so long to announce it is because we didn't want people thinking that we were in any way replacing Noah!
Noah can never be replaced, just as this baby cannot be replaced!
Noah will always be our first born, our first child!
We will forever love him and grieve his loss until we can hold him in our arms again in eternity! Just typing that makes me tear up... we're still very raw, and who knows maybe we always will be, but we're ok with that... We miss him terribly; every moment of every day.
And now we have another little one on the way who's already captured our hearts along with Noah!


So now onto the info I'm sure you're wanting...
Noah's going to have a little brother! We were pretty surprised it was another boy, but we're also very excited to be giving Noah a little brother.
Picking a name was hard this time around, Tim and I absolutely could not agree on a boys name at all!!!
Until the day we were waiting to get the anatomy scan, sitting in the freezing cold waiting room for what felt like eternity... the last time we were at this place was when we found out something was wrong with Noah... I'm not fond of that office!
Anyways, we were sitting there going over different boys names when Tim just started naming off random goofy boys names and then said, jokingly "What about Theodore?"
We both laughed for a moment, then I said, "Wait, I actually like that." Tim agreed that he did too.
Something about it just felt right. So after the anatomy scan confirmed that we were having another baby boy and that he was perfect with no abnormalities we headed home to look up the meaning of the name and knew this was his name!
So in April Theodore Andrew Hill will be making his grand debut!
We'll be calling him Theo but here's the meaning of his name
Theodore: Divine Gift/Gift of God
Andrew: Courageous/Enduring

We feel it fits him perfectly!!



So we welcome you to join along this new journey in our lives through our new blog, where we'll be talking about our lives with Theo, our journey through our grief, our home, and just our lives in general!
We're currently on a mission to get as healthy as possible so we'll also be posting our successful new recipes... the unsuccessful ones will be hidden from society and we'll just pretend they never happened ;p


We want to thank everyone so very much for your love, prayers, and support. It has been by the Grace of God and through your support that we have been able to carry on. Tim says it perfectly,"Through this whole experience the best way to explain how we're feeling is joy and grief walking hand in hand" 
Again, From the bottom of our hearts, Thank you!!!

All Our Love,
Tim, Michelle, Noah & Theo